Jokes

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A young man asked his elderly Grandmother if she had seen his pills--the ones labelled "LSD."

"Never mind your pills," she said, "What do you think about the size of that dragon in the kitchen?"

On their 25th anniversary a couple took a second honeymoon at the same hotel.
As they reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what went through your mind ?"
The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry".
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now ?"
He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the woman behind the counter he’s looking for a blow up doll.

The woman asks "Would you like a christian or muslim doll?"

Confused the man says "What’s the difference?"

"Well," replies the woman, "the muslim one blows herself up!"

A middle aged woman is looking in the mirror one evening and says to her husband....

"GOD LOOK AT ME, I look fat, old and ugly. Please pay me a compliment"


"YER FUCKIN EYESIGHT IS SPOT ON" He says

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: 1 lonely fucker is reading This..

Hang in there sunshine!

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear "Have you ever been fuckedd?"

The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No."
She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this thing outta me! Give me the drugs!"

She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"

He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, ’fuck off it’ll be too painful.’"

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it’s gorgeous red paintwork.

An empty cheque stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded after a few minutes that she didn’t have a bloody clue what was wrong.

Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AA and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That’s a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"
"Well, it just conked out I’m afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

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A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

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One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That�s a good piece of fir." "Correct,� says the manager, �now try this one." "That�s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused,� says the blind man, �Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you�re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It�s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Michael Jackson's girlfriend is said to be distraught.
She was quoted as saying: "first my parents leave me in Portugal and now this."

Did you hear Michael Jackson died? With all that plastic surgery
they are not sure whether to have a funeral or a Tupperware party!

What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and Michael Jackson?
Fergie will still be playing Giggs in August.

When Michael Jackson is cremated they are going to make him into carrier bags.
So he will still be white, plastic and a danger to small children.

For Sale:
Single white glove. Slightly soiled index finger.

Gary Glitter has won the auction for Michael Jackson's PC.

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Ricky Hatton?
None! Both went down after getting a lethal jab.

This recession is really hitting everyone hard.
Even the Jackson Five have had to lay one member off.

You know that Michael really is dead, when your 5-year-old son wakes you up at night
claiming that he just got 'touched by an angel'.

What a coincidence, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson dying on the same day.
One played with Majors and the other played with Minors.

What's the similarity between Michael Jackson and Margaret Thatcher?
Had they both died 25 years ago, there would have been a generation of happier miners.

Jockeys all over the world will be wearing black armbands today,
in tribute to the legend who rode more three-year-olds than anyone else.

Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99% plastic....It has been decided that instead of him being cremated
he will be melted down and made into lego blocks......So the younger generation can play with him for a change...!!!!!

Victoria Beckham has announced she had an affair with Michael Jackson.
Jacko has denied the allegations as he claims he was in Brooklyn at the time.

Q.Whats blue and fucks grandmothers?
A. Hyperthermia

Q. What's the definition of self-destruction?
A. An epeleptic leper.

Q: What did the blind, deaf and dumb boy get for Christmas?
A: Cancer

Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital.
However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five more years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head-first into the pool and breaks both arms.
The second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
Well Doc," said number three, "I can't swim!"

It's the day after Christmas and two kids are comparing notes about what they'd gotten.
The first kid says "What'd you get?" The second kid replies, "Man, I scored big time!
I got Power Rangers stuff, a Nintendo, a new bike, a Walkie - Talkie set, a stereo, and a whole lot more! What'd you get?"
"Ah, I just got a baseball glove and bat," says the first kid.
"Wow, that's pretty rough," says the second kid.
The first kid says, "Yeah, well I'm not dying of Lukemia."

Mongols
Two mongs were cooking dinner.The husband says to the wife,
Where's the meat?"
"In the fridge"
"wheres the potatoes"
"in the cupboard"
"wheres the cabbages"
"still at school"

doctor: I have good news for you, and bad news for you.
patient: whats the bad news?
doctor: we cut off the wrong leg!
patient: whats the good news then!?
doctor: your bad leg is getting better.

Altzheimers
Two elderly genlemen in hospital with altzheimers.
Patient 1: Im off out tomorrow I'm cured
Patient2: I've realy missed ice cream in here can you get me one.
Patient1: Of course
Patient2: Can you put some strawberry sauce on it
Patient1: Of course
Patient2: Can you put some chocolate flakes in it
Patient1: Of course
Patient2: You wont forget now will you?
Patient1: Of course not I'm cured
He comes in the next day with a steak and kidney pie
Patient2: Oy you twat you forgot my chips
doctor: I have some good news for you, and some bad news for you.
patient: whats the bad news?
doctor: you're H.I.V positive.
patient: whats the good news?
doctor: you also have altzheimers, and by tomorrow you would have forgotten about it.

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things,
so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they
come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.
Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.
Neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that
memory course you liked so much?"
Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name
of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?
Neighbor says, "You mean a rose?"
Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house)
Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?

What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease?
1: You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2: You are always meeting new people.
3: You never have to watch reruns on television.

An elderly couple go to the doctors for the results of the old womans tests
The doctor calls the old man outside and says "There has been a mix up with another patients results"
She either has Alzheimer's Disease or aids
What are you going to do says the husband
We age going to drop the old woman off on the edge of town
And if she finds her way home
DONT SHAG HER!

A woman goes to the doctor with a bloated stomach and pains.
Doctor doesn't know what's wrong so he takes a blood sample and tells her to come back in a week .
The woman comes back and says 'Oh doctor, I'm in such pain, what's wrong with me?'
to which the doctor replies 'Well, let's put it this way, I hope you like changing nappies'.
So the woman says 'Oh, I am going to have a baby?'
and the doctor says 'No, you've got bowel cancer'.

Q. Whats the hardest part of a vegetable?
A. The wheelchair.

Q. What do you call six wheelchairs on top of each other?
A. A vegetable rack.

Q. What do you do when you see an epileptic having a bath?
A. Chuck in all your washing

Two little boys went to knock for Mark.
"Hello is mark coming out to play war"
"What do you mean you know mark has'nt got any arms and legs"
"I know we want to use him as a sandbag"

jesus walks into a motel and says to the reception guy:
can you hang me up for the night?

jokerishere wrote:jesus walks into a motel and says to the reception guy:
can you hang me up for the night?

jesus walks into a motel put`s 4 nails on the desk at reception & say`s can u put me up for the night
if u gona tell a jk tell it right lol

There was a young fella named Gately
Who has'nt been singing much latley
After a bottle of rum
And a cock up his bum
His fun in the sun ended fately


Word is steven gately died of bird flu, it has been reported that he was often seen in bed with a cock or too (cocatoo)

After the death of steven gately in his spanish villa, stars of the screen have been paying tribute. Ronan Keating said he was gutted, Louis Walsh said he was devestated and Michael Barrymore said he was innocent



Dear Matt Lucas, I am very sorry to hear about the suicide of your ex. I for one find you very attactive and you reminde me of my ex who also passed away not long back. We should get together??

yours sincerely
Jack Tweedy x.

Deaths of 2009

Michael Jackson:
Dies 2 days before "Mixed Race Day".

Stephen Gately:
Dies 1 day before 'National Coming Out Day".

Call these events coincidental or whatever you want, but personally i think it's a countdown as deaths come in 3's.
On 19th of October it's "Drug Free Work Week", which will hopefully complete the countdown.

FUCK OFF AMY WINEHOUSE

First Kevin McGee, now Stephen Gately.

Has Graham Norton ever seen Final Destination?

What do Stephen Gately and Ayrton Senna have in common?

They Both died with skidmarks on their helmets


Stephen Gately's family have requested that no flowers be sent for his funeral, as they are expecting alot of pansies to show up on the day

How unlucky am I... Only went and swapped my Michael Jackson tickets for the Boyzone Reunion tickets... fuck sake!!!

Lets all stop making Boyzone jokes, after all, I think we say it best

When we say nothing at all

Stephen Gately walks into heaven...

Only joking; gay people don't go to heaven

The coroners verdict has come back on Stephen Gately's death. It turns out he died from excess fluid on the lungs.

Carlsberg dont do gay bukkake......

jokes Disabled due to inconsiderate people dying

My girlfriend left me the other day because apparently, 'I don't know anything about women'. Naturally I kicked her straight in the balls.

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"

LMFAO i like em keep em coming

some pretty xxxxin sick jokes
1)what's the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage
you cant eat a train carriage

2)what do you call a black asian man with aids
coondiesoon

3)knock knock
whos there
Cancer!

4)what did the deaf dumb blind kid get for christmas
a pinball machine

5)How did the nun lose her virginity
she was raped

6)What do you call 1000 black people running down a hill
mudslide

7)What is the difference between dead hookers and onions?
i cry when i cut up onions

8)When do you know when a dates going bad
When you spike your own drink with rahypnol (rape pill)

9)What do you call a cow masturbating
beef strokin' off

10)Whats black and blue and scared of me
the 8 year old in my closet

Social Security:


A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

What do you do if you see a paki run at you with half a head?
Stop laughing and reload

Footless Parrot

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead

This ones a classic from middle shcool:

There's a kid, a mom and a dad.

They're having guests over.

The kid goes into the bathroom and see's his dad shaving.

The dad cut's himself and says "Shit!"

The kid asks the dad what "Shit!" means.

The dad replies, "It means to shave."

So the kid goes into the kitchen and see's the mom cutting the turkey.

The mom accidentally cut's her finger and she says, "Fu=ck!"

The kid ask's the mom what "Fuck!" means.

The mom replies "It means to cut."

The door bell starts to ring.

The kid goes and answers it.

The guests ask the kid where his parents are.

The kid replies, "Dads upstairs in the bathroom shitting and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey

Young Parents:
The young parents used code words when discussing sex in front of their children. The terms for intercourse ws "washing machine".
They were lying in bed one night when he said to her, "Darling, washing machine."
"Not now, I've got a headache", she replied.
An hour later, he ran his hand down her leg and said, "Darling, washing machine, please! washing machine."
"I've got a headache!", she complained.
An hour later, feeling sorry for him, she turned to him and said, "O.K. washing machine."
"Don't worry", he replied, "it was a small load so I did it by hand