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Jokes

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Jokes

Post by DVA`Stoned on Sun Nov 16, 2008 4:02 pm

First topic message reminder :

A young man asked his elderly Grandmother if she had seen his pills--the ones labelled "LSD."

"Never mind your pills," she said, "What do you think about the size of that dragon in the kitchen?"

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Re: Jokes

Post by TS Shadow on Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:25 pm

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they
go they take your house and car with them.
___
Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch
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Re: Jokes

Post by TS Shadow on Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:31 pm

Who you callin' coloured?

When I was born, I'm black.
When I grow up, I'm black.
When I go out in the sun, I'm black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I'm scared, I'm black.
When I'm sick, I'm black.
And when I die, I'm still black.

You white folks…
When you're born, you're pink.
When you grow up, you're white.
When you go out in the sun, you're red.
When you're cold, you're blue.
When you're scared, you're yellow.
When you're sick, you're green.
When you bruise, you go purple.
And when you die, you go grey.

So who you callin' coloured?
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Re: Jokes

Post by TS Shadow on Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:40 pm

another one i found very sick Twisted Evil

I fuck her low,
I fuck her high,
I fuck her wet,
I fuck her dry,
And when she's dead,
And all forgotten,
I'll dig her up and fuck her rotten
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Re: Jokes

Post by TS Shadow on Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:46 pm

there was a young singer called Gatley
who hasnt been singing much lately
after a bottle of rum and a cock in his bum
his trip in the sun ended fatally
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Re: Jokes

Post by TS Shadow on Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:52 pm

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you've learned".
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers.
"The father replied, "That's my boy
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Re: Jokes

Post by TS Shadow on Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:53 pm

what's the difference between a women with problems and one without,....one of them has more problems than she thinks
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Re: Jokes

Post by TS Shadow on Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:54 pm

whats 20 feet long and wrapped round a piece of shit?

a turban
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Re: Jokes

Post by TS Shadow on Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:55 pm

A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"

"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonaise
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Re: Jokes

Post by TS Shadow on Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:56 pm

I was depressed last night so I called the Samaritans.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck
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Re: Jokes

Post by TS Shadow on Sun Nov 01, 2009 6:56 pm

I hear some of Saddam Hussein's shirts have come up for auction on eBay.
The collars are a bit worn, but they hang well.
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Re: Jokes

Post by GILZA77 on Thu Dec 17, 2009 5:23 pm

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at
the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something “Christmassy”.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is
allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent
Christmas?”
The third man answered “They’re Carol’s.”
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Re: Jokes

Post by GILZA77 on Thu Dec 17, 2009 5:27 pm

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding
headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the
preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put
some coffee in front of him. “Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last
night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of
yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you
insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
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Re: Jokes

Post by GILZA77 on Thu Dec 17, 2009 5:28 pm

SANTA’S PICK UP LINES
•I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let’s skip the small talk,
sister!
•Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
•Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
•I know when you`ve been bad or good — so let’s skip the small talk,
sister!
•Some of my best toys run on batteries…
•I see you when you’re sleeping - and you don’t wear any underwear, do
you?
•Screw the “nice” list — I’ve got you on my “nice AND naughty” list!
•Wanna join the “Mile High” club?
•That’s not a candy cane in my pocket, honey. I’m just glad to see you!
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Re: Jokes

Post by GILZA77 on Thu Dec 17, 2009 5:41 pm

Happily Addicted to the Web
(to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',

From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',

I'm happy--although

My boss let me go--

Happily addicted to the Web.



All night long, I sit clicking,

Unaware time is ticking,

There's beard on my cheek,

Same clothes for a week,

Happily addicted to the Web.



Friends come by; they shake me,

Saying, "Yo, man!

Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"

With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;

I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"



I don't phone, don't send faxes,

Don't go out, don't pay taxes,

Who cares if someday

They drag me away?

I'm happily addicted to the Web!
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Re: Jokes

Post by GILZA77 on Thu Dec 17, 2009 5:47 pm

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TS UFO on Thu Jan 07, 2010 1:03 am

Here:



Welcoming to America
When young Jose, newly arrived in the United States, made his first trip to Yankee Stadium, there were no tickets left for sale. Touched by his disappointment, a friendly ticket salesman found him a perch near the American flag. Later, Jose wrote home enthusiastically about his experience. "And the Americans, they are so friendly!" he concluded. "Before the game started, they all stood up and looked at me and sang, .... 'Jose, can you see?'"
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Re: Jokes

Post by TS Redemption on Thu Jun 24, 2010 11:38 pm

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis and discussing how much there lives suck...

The cucumber says: "When I get big fat and juicy, they cut me up and serve me with a salade.

The pickel says: When I get big fat and juicy, they put spices on me and put me in a jar of vinegar,

The penis says: When I get big fat and juicy, they put a rubber strap on me, put me in a dark hole, bang my face against the wall untill I puke and pass out.

XD Redemption
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Re: Jokes

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