Jokes

A young man asked his elderly Grandmother if she had seen his pills--the ones labelled "LSD."

"Never mind your pills," she said, "What do you think about the size of that dragon in the kitchen?"

lol that ones above average, I'll try and dig up some old jokes

A man in a black coat walks into a bar...and pays for a beer, drinks it and leaves.

The End.

What did you expect? A punchline?

Talkin about topic killer LOL...nvm hes gone anyways

Heres one, hope no-one is insulted...its kinda hard

Theres a group of jews that are in a concentration camp (?) and they are lined up to get in the gass chamber, as they walk in they all start to cry because they know theyre gonna die...but when the showers are turned on there comes water out instead of gas.
So every one starts cheering and laughing, but a man notices a little girl sitting in the corner of the room.

''Whats wrong? its not gas its water.''
''Yes i know....but theres no drainage....''

The end.

V

Another one (sorry, got some inspiration at work)

There were some dudes that went hunting, they were walkin around in the forest and they heard one of their mates scream BEAR BEAR!!!
They went to check but they didnt find him....after a day they received a phonecall from their mate saying that he was in the hospital, so they went to check on him to see what happened.

''What happened??''
''Well i screamed BEAR BEAR!!.....but a train came out.....''

V

the first one was alright, yea a bit hard he second one I personally didn't like but thats just me. I was looking through my jokes and unless you probably want random knock knock jokes I'm pretty sure I can't post em.

Paddy n murphy working on a building site,Paddy says to murphy i fancy a day off i am gonna to pretend i'm mad, with he climbs up the rafters,hangs upside down n shouts i'm a lightbulb,while murphy watches in amazement.Foreman sees this and shouts paddy get down and pack your tools,you're mad.go home he does so and leaves the site.Murphy starts packing up to..where you going?Asks the foreman "Well ' says murphy,i can't work in the dark can i |?!

Guy says to his wife:darling,what would you do if i won the lottery?Wife replies:i'd take half,then leave you,Guy says;excellent!ihad 3 numbers and won a tenner.Here is a fiver now get lost.!

i have sick jks by the bucket load but i will have to c storm if its k 2 post them 1st

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

LMFAO Keep em coming mate

A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.

One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"

The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.

"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman

"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were jokeing then were you?"

Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact

Q: How many etheopians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 3 one to change the light and two to eat the packages.

Q: Whats the diffrence between a french women and as basketball team?
A: The basketball team showers after 4 periods.

Q: Qhat is the diffrence between a cahlic priest and acne?
A: Acne waits until your 13 to come on your face.

Q: Why did hitler kill himself?
A: He got the gas bill.

Q: What have Gareth gates and Harold Shipman got in common?
A: Neither of them can finish a sentence.


Shipman's last meal was a curry. When asked afterwards if he enjoyed it, he replied that it was OK but he could've murdered a nan.


They are going to make a film about Harold Shipman starring Robert De Niro. Title: The Old Dear Hunter.


Harold Shipman's suicide note has been found. It reads - "I can't go on. I've run out of patience."


The prison warden where Shipman was 'staying' commented that he will be sorely missed, especially by the prison boxing club. He said: "He had a lethal jab".

It's been said Harold Shipman was a bit of a lady killer, maybe thats got something to do with the fact that he's well hung!

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.



A nun gets into a cab and the driver keeps staring at her through the rear view mirror. "You know, Sister," the cab driver says, "I hope you aren't too offended, but I've always had this fantasy of getting a blowjob from a nun."

The nun thinks for a moment and says, "I'm not too offended. I just have two requirements. One, that you be single, and two, that you be Catholic."

"Oh yes, Sister, I am single and Catholic," the cab drive replies, so they pull into an alley and the nun proceeds to satisfy the cab driver orally. After they're done, the cab driver begins laughing.

"What's so funny?" the nun asks. "Ha ha!" the cab driver annnounces, "I fooled you sister. The truth is I'm really married and I'm Jewish!"

"That's okay," the nun replies, "My name is Bob and I'm on my way to a fancy dress party."

Following questions and answers were collated from last year’s English GCSEs. (16 year olds)

Science
Q : Name the four seasons.
A : Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q : Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A : Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q : How is dew formed?
A : The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q : What is a planet?
A : A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q : What causes the tides in the oceans?
A : The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q : What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A : If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q : In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A : Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q : What are steroids?
A : Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q : What happens to your body as you age?
A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q : What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A : He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q : Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A : Premature death.
Q : What is artificial insemination?
A : When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q : How can you delay milk turning sour?
A : Keep it in the cow.
Q : How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen.)
A : The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q : What is the Fibula?
A : A small lie.
Q : What does "varicose" mean?
A : Nearby.
Q : What is the most common form of birth control?
A : Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q : Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A : The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q : What is a seizure?
A : A Roman emperor.
Q : What is a terminal illness?
A : When you are sick at the airport
Q : Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A : Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English
Q : Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A : Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q : What does the word "benign" mean?
A : Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q : What is a turbine?
A : Something an Arab wears on his head.

Indian chief decided it was time to give his 3 sons their adult names as they had reached manhood. So he gathered them in to his tent, together with the elders of the tribe.

He turns to the 1st son, "Son, you will be called Eagle. "
The 3rd son interrupts, "Father, father, what will I be called?"
"All in good time my son", replies the Chief.
He continues, "you will be called Eagle because you are strong and wise."
The Elders agreed.

He then turns to the 2nd son, but the 3rd son says "Father,father, what will I be called?"
"All in good time, my son" he replies.
He then continues to the 2nd son, "Son you will be called Swallow".
The 3rd son says again "Father, father, what will I be called?".
"All in good time my son" comes the reply.
He then continues, "you will be named Swallow because you are quick and cunning."
The Elders agree.

He then turns to the 3rd son who is asking, "Father Father,what will I be called?"
"Son, you will be called Thrush."
"Why is that father?" he asked excitedly.
"Because you are an irritating cunt."

Hickory Dickory dock
Some slut was suckin my cock
Her hair got tangled
The bitch was strangled
But at least she swallowed the lot!

One evening, as Uncle John and his wife are entertaining guests with cocktails, they are interrupted by an out-of-breath Freddie who shouts out,
"Uncle John! Come quick! The bull is fucking the cow!" Uncle John, highly embarrassed, takes young Freddie aside and explains that a certain decorum is required.
"You should have said, "The bull is surprising the cow" - not some filth you picked up in the City," he says.

A few days later, Freddie comes in again as his uncle and aunt are entertaining.
"Uncle John! The bull is surprising the cows!"

The adults share a knowing grin. Uncle John says, "Thank you Freddie, but surely you meant to say the cow, not *cows*. A bull cannot "surprise" more than one cow at a time you know...".

"Yes he can!" replies his obstinate nephew, "He’s fucking the horse

The Danish newspaper editor who enraged muslims by printing a cartoon has apologised and said it was never his intention to upset the muslim people.
His new book "Allah is a cunt" goes on sale tomorrow

Seems most men are in favour of the muslim full face veil.
It solves the age old problem of where to wipe your dick after a blow job

I’ve just got back from a muslim birthday party...................


fuck me.........


pass the parcel was over quick


Shit myself last night.
I was at the airport having a beer when a fucking muslim rushed in screaming

allah
allah
allah
allah
alava can on of coke and a bag of nuts please.
Stuttering bastard


I parked my big 4x4 V8 in the disabled parking bay at Tesco. Some do-gooder shouted "Oi, what’s your disability then mate?!".

I shouted "Tourettes you fuckin wanker, now piss off


Sing a song of bum sex
A rectum full of cum
Four & twenty fat cocks
Forced up your bum

When the orgy’s over
And your bum begins to sting
Wasn’t it a bad idea
To take it up the ring


Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 15 miles to and from school every day. He has only one leg and his bicycle has buckled wheels with no brakes. His journey is mostly downhill and is reknowned for having hidden landmines on his route to school.

Please find it within yourself to donate just £2 and in return we will send you the video...

it’s bloody hilarious!!!!

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer


Teacher to class "What does your dad do at the weekend?"

Little jack "He’s a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes when the money is right he lets punters bang his arse and come in his mouth"

Teacher pulling jack aside "Is that true?"

"No miss, truth is he goes to watch Man City but I was too embarrassed to say


At a news conference, a journalist said to a politician, "Your assistant said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"

"The truth is," he replied, "My assistant has a big mouth


Mary had a little snatch,a teeny tiny hole.

Johnny couldn’t fit it in, his massive manly pole.

He greased her up, squirmed and shoved, and pinched her little tit,

But nothing seemed to work for him, the damn thing would not fit!

So Mary drank a lot of wine, and smoked a little grass,

And just as she was passing out, he shoved it up her ass

David Beckham at a management seminar says:

"I like them cos they make my breath fresh"

There’s stunned silence then someone shouts:

"Tactics you thick twat!!!"

Women are just like cartons of orange juice.

It’s not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is - it’s getting those fucking flaps open

Hickory Dickory dock
Some slut was suckin my cock
Her hair got tangled
The bitch was strangled
But at least she swallowed the lot

Humpty Dumpty sat on a bed
Little boo peep was giving him head
As soon as he came she started to weep
She knew from the taste he’d been fucking her sheep

A hillbilly fella walks up to his sister with a sheep under his arm.

"Honey," he says, "This is the pig I fuck when you’ve got your period."

His sister spits back, "For starters Einstein, that’s a sheep."

The hillbilly replies, "Well for starters I wasn’t talking to you."

A girl walks in to a supermarket and buys the following items:

1 Bar of Soap
1 Toothbrush
1 Tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 plum
1 grapefruit
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 cabbage
1 baking potato
1 kraft single
1 samosa
1 vegetable pakora
1 muesli bar
1 pie
1 frozen pizza
1 single frozen dinner

The bloke behind her in the queue taps her on the shoulder.
He is carrying a basket with a six pack of stella, a pizza
and some Wagon wheels. As she turns he smiles at her and says, "Single, eh?"

The girl smiles sheepishly and replies "How did you guess?"
He looks at her - straight in the eyes and gently says....

"Because you’re a minger"

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

Fire.

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.

One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".

The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

Art.



What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot?

Stu.



What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs hammered into a piece of wood?

Peg.





How do you get a goth out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

What is the difference between dead hookers and onions?
i cry when i cut up onions

8)When do you know when a dates going bad
When you spike your own drink with rahypnol (rape pill)

9)What do you call a cow masturbating
beef strokin' off

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling?
Because he doesn't know he's black.

How do you get a leper out of a bath?
With a sieve.

What do you do if an epeliptic has a fit in the bath?
Chuck your washing in.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gourgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,and whispers: "Iron"

Ben applied for a job as bartender at the local hotel. The owner had heard that Ben had been fired from his last hotel job because he was always late, money was often missing from the till and it was rumoured that he was gay.
"I'll give you a chance" said the new employer "but if there's any money missing or you're late you will be fired immediately. Now give me a kiss and get to work."

Mortal: "What is a million years like to you?"
God: "Like one second."
Mortal: "What is a million dollars like to you?"
God: "Like one penny."
Mortal: "Can I have a penny?"
God: "Just one second...."

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A: It’s Braille for "suck here".
___
Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a French kiss, but only down under.
___
Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
___
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they
go they take your house and car with them.
___
Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don't have balls to scratch

Some are good and some are crap

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass

Two men were sitting at the top floor of the Empire State Building.

One man says to the other.. "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor.."

The other man says "fuck off, you're jokin aren't u?"

The 1st man says "No, here.. I'll prove it" so he stands on the window ledge and jumps out.. and comes back in thru the 90th floor window..

The 2nd man says.. "That was just a one off" So he does it again.. and comes thru on the 90th floor.. runs back up and says "See, im telling the truth"

The 2nd man says "Wow, im gonna do it then" he stands on the window ledge, jumps out and falls to his death.

The barman says to the first man.. "You know, you're a cunt when you're drunk superman

Santa Problems

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch. Santa declined, saying "Ho -ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear. "OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she queried . Taking a long look, Santa sighed and said "Ho- ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said invitingly "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"

With a pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said "Ho - ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know." And with that, he turned and left. Several minutes passed, and Santa re-appeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful woman.

"Santa---you decided to stay??" she asked.

Santa grinned, looking at his crotch and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

A blind man was describing his favorite sport of skydiving. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that everything was done for him. “I am placed in the door and told when to jump,” he said. “My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked.

“I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground,” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was asked.

He quickly answered, “The dog’s lead goes slack.”

Thai guy had a bar on the beach then the tsunami arrived, destroyed his bar and swept all his clients away.

He has since rebuilt the bar and his customers are gradually drifting back in

Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your Mum.

Q: How do you know when you’re really ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
A: Her navel.